It is what it is...

I've been going through some shit lately. I've been assigned some journal exercises as a way to process things. This blog serves as my super-secret public journal of the trip.

A limited and brief history:

• Met my future wife when I was 19
• We moved into together officially a scant 6 months after meeting
• We got married when I was 21
• We had our first child when I was 22
• We have three children
• February of 2020 I decided that I could not stay in the house any longer due to a number of factors

Since February of 2020 I have been living on my own for the first time in my life, at 44 years old, and am trying to figure out who I am and how to be a fully formed and engaged adult.

It's been a challenge. I've been struggling with depression, lonliness, and a whole lot of self doubt - did I do the right thing? Will my kids get through this? Will I get through this? Do I really want to try starting life over at this point? I'm nearly 45 and feel that I really have nothing to offer anyone. I'm educated and have a decent job, but also have no financial security, no plan for the future or retirement, and I've got 20-ish years of growing and maturing to do.

I don't want to be too negative about my marriage. There were some really good times. Times when it felt good to be married and trying to navigate this world together. To me it never felt like we were partners. We were competitors. Even the good times had the shadow of that dynamic over them always.

Suffice it to say, the marriage was not healthy or happy for anyone and I was as much to blame for that as anyone else. I made a lot of decisions that ceded a lot of my autonomy. That bred a lot of resentment and I acted out on that resentment in various ways. I was not a good husband in many ways. I know this. I also know that for 23 years I worked my ass off to provide for the family - often working multiple jobs to make ends meet as the sole breadwinner even though my wife has a master's degree just as I do - one that is arguably more in demand than my English degree. I did not run away from the marriage, I didn't run out on my kids. I provided for them the best that I could - emotionally and financially - even though the majority of their lives saw me working 60+ hours per week just to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. No matter my other faults, this is not one.

So now my youngest is 18 and I am no longer in the house. I'm seeking help from a professional to help process the pain of the biggest failure in my life and to work through the things in me that led me to be the person I was in that relationship. I figure if I have a chance to do things again I don't want to do the same things over.

The challenge is... I want to be in the next phase of my life now. I want to be moving forward without the specter of separation and a likely protracted divorce hanging over me. My head keeps telling me I should be doing X or Y, that I'm slacking because I've not moved ahead with A, B, or C. I want to be back to having strong relationships with all of my children. I want to be at a place where I am comfortable with the choices I've made and where I am making my own decisions and growing as a person.

I don't know if other men feel this way or not, but I suspect many do - I am nearly 45, but my self image is still that of a 21 year old. I'm still waiting to feel like an adult. I suspect that this feeling is largely to do with the dynamics of the relationship. She took the responsibility for things. She made the decisions. All I had to do was to bring in the money, be the beast of burden. There didn't seem to be much more that was expected of me. I don't know. We never had the type of relationship where we talked about future goals or dreams. I feel like I probably stalled in my development as an adult.

I also felt that I was isolated from my friends. I was actively discouraged from pursuing most activities outside of work. In this environment it was pretty easy to forego any really self-reflection and damned near impossible for self-improvement. Something like therapy to work through the marriage issues early on as well as working through our individual issues could have been a saving grace, but that was never going to happen - usually attributed to not being able to afford it, but, more realistically it seems from my vantage, it was really fear about what we may find out about ourselves and each other. We didn't talk intimately that often. I never expressed or felt I had the space to express any anger or upset or disappointment with her. If I did, it would quickly be turned back on me - you are not justified in feeling because...  In 23 years I can't recall a time when I expressed anger, frustration, disappointment when it was accepted as the fact of what I was feeling inside. Always it was dismissed and belittled.

In time I quickly learned to not even bother expressing my feelings. I wasn't good at it to begin with. Growing up I often felt like my emotions were not accepted or allowed. I can't think of anything specific growing up that led to this feeling other than an over-riding feeling of needing to be perfect and often being punished for what felt like minor lapses in perfection.

In short, I have a lot of things to work through to get myself where I want to be.